Some days at work I feel like I’m doing a good job simply by using manners. It seems simple, and in some ways it is that simple. Manners are not that complicated, but I have started to notice that manners go deep.
Manners can save the day. Sometimes, when you don’t know what to do or if you are new, lost, or confused in any situation, manners are all you have. This also is true, of course, when you notice someone else is new, lost, or confused.
This is what I do at work as a clinical social worker. I use manners with people who are experiencing a great deal of suffering from mental illness. With my patients and clients, it is psychologically and spiritually that they are feeling new, lost, or confused. They are in a dark place, and often when we first meet, they are not sure they will ever get out of the woods of their mental illness. Manners can be the first mark on a map out of these dark woods.
When I introduce myself, for example, I shake their hand. This is, of course, the custom, but many times I have noticed patients and clients are happily surprised by this. They may not feel worthy of a handshake. They may not feel deserving of the dignity that it confers.
I also smile. Smiling is, of course, universal, as first noted by Charles Darwin, as all human babies smile. Scientists now know that a smile lowers blood pressure, relieves stress and strengthens the immune system, and it is contagious. The discovery of mirror neurons have shown us that a small circuit of cells in our brains are activated when we perform an action like smiling or when we observe someone else performing that same action. When I smile at a patient or client, something I love to do, I have noticed this also can happily surprise them.
Manners are a set of formalized patterns of behavior set by the society in which we live, so one might say manners are just a superficial, eternalized style of acting.
I learned manners from my grandparents, as perhaps many of us did. My maternal grandmother spent a great deal of time teaching my brother, sister and me proper table manners. We learned how to hold our utensils, elbows and comments. We were not allowed to take the first bite of our meal until she took the first bite of her meal. My maternal grandfather, who always wore a bow tie, even in the summer, taught us to say, “May I please?” instead of “Can I?” He must have asked us a thousand times, “I don’t know, ‘can’ you?” to get us to correctly ask for what we desired. From my paternal grandparents I learned one of my favorite manners: If you are sitting and someone older than you enters the room, you stand up to greet them.
Other research shows that the daily activities that bring us happiness are social. When one person shows kindness to another person, the recipient’s brain releases oxytocin, a neurochemical that contributes to relaxation, trust and psychological stability. In other words, manners go far deeper than the surface.
In a small town where I used to live, there was a school bus driver who waved at every single car that passed him. It was that small lift-of-the-hand-on-the-steering-wheel wave, but nevertheless, he waved at everyone. Any day when I drove by him, morning or afternoon, I always felt happier.
Everyone can suffer from mental health issues. When we reach out — even a little — with good manners, we share the load someone else may be carrying. It may be that simple or it may be much more, but manners can create a feeling of joy and harmony with others. No matter what, in this season of celebration and tradition, manners will always give the gift of connection.
Happy holidays!
Robin Barstow is a clinical social worker for Maine Behavioral Healthcare, primarily at Spring Harbor Hospital in Westbrook.