September 22, 2018
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TC’s tip on how to hold a ‘Cop Free Gathering’ these summer months

Community Author: Bangor Police Department
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Bangor Police Department
Bangor Police Department
The BPDOOGS graphic to help keep your Bangor party a "CFG"

Each morning I peruse all the reports from the previous 24 hours.

One of the trends I have noticed, as the weather gets a bit warmer, is that our officers are being called to go to more gatherings where people are being a bit loud.

Most of the time a quick warning to keep down the noise is sufficient. Sometimes we have to go more than once. Many times we end up going multiple times because… “ain’t no party like a Bangor party ’cause a Bangor party don’t stop.”

Then someone gets arrested and it’s a real buzzkill.

You say, “TC, what can we do to keep the cops away from our party? Tell us the secret to a CFG (Cop Free Gathering).”

I could tell you to keep the music down, but I know you are a visual crowd who might benefit from a simple graphic which explains everything.

So, I reached out to the folks in the BPDOOGS (Bangor Police Department Office Of Graphic Stuff) to create something simple and memorable to keep your Bangor party a CFG.

Look it over, commit it to memory, maybe even print it off and use a Maine moose magnet to hold it to the refrigerator.

If you are an auditory learner, it is possible that the picture doesn’t help.

Memorize this…

“Volume Up? Cops show up.

Volume down? No cops around.”

Either way we ask that you respect your neighbors

Want to revel? Reasonable levels.

Keep your hands to yourself, leave other people’s things alone, and be kind to one another.

All we have is each other…and your college buddy Larry’s Edgar Winter Group album with the original cover. Winning!

We will be here.

(And the BPDOOGS is fully aware of the grammatically inferior utilization of the word Less vs Fewer. However, in the interest of the proper party planning, a reduction in snack costs, and science the word “less” was used to determine who might let it slide by without grammar shaming comments. Many seemingly excellent loud-mouth-soup lubricated party conversations have been shut down by folks who just cannot get by without calling out others who use the words, ain’t, irregardless, and of course “I weren’t even near the punchbowl when Jimmy spiked it!” Less seemed like a more humorous way to label the knob..TC).

She smiled and waved her hand back at me in a timid way as if to say-“I paid for it but I don’t want you to think I am weird.”

She looked away quickly but drove away slowly. I waited for her to glance up into the rearview mirror of the old ford pickup truck because I knew she would. My right hand on the top of the steering wheel was already raised so that she wouldn’t miss the only signal I could give her short of screaming thank-you out the window.

I smiled the way you smile right after your aunt, the family photographer, says “just one more” for the third time. I broadly grinned so that she wouldn’t miss it when she looked back.

She did. She smiled back at me in the manner that you smile when you realize that the other person doesn’t think you are weird and fully understands that you were just being nice when you paid for their coffee.

No one was behind me in the line, so I placed my two bucks on the counter and told the skinny kid with the uncomfortably deep, Rick Astley-esque voice that he could put it in his tip-cup.

He probably doesn’t even know the song, “Never Gonna Give You Up” and I am not going to admit that I do by telling him I played cop-car-karaoke over the public address system in a 1988 Chevrolet Caprice when that song was still being played incessantly over the airwaves on every stinking station on every stinking midnight shift I worked for over a year.

Don’t judge me. It made us laugh because we loved to hate that song. There was no XM radio, there were no CD players in the cruisers, and you listened to whatever the DJ played.

They don’t have to admit it, but I know some very committed death metal fans who secretly crooned along to much worse music than Rick Astley. Well…maybe not worse, but some equally as pitiful tunes.

The baritone barista told me that the woman told him to tell me that she appreciated our service.

I said that it was very nice of her and that I appreciated HIS service.

I told him if he invested these two bucks wisely he would be able to buy someone else a coffee someday. He was kind and smirked at my bad joke. Of course, his registration tags are expired and he was probably humoring me because he thinks things like that keep cops awake at night. He’s wrong.

I am sure he will take care of it when the other bills are caught up. I think the other bills are probably more important.

When I was his age I ran a car for over a year and a half with expired tags. I finally got a summons for it. The officer didn’t tow it and followed me home. That saved me 75 bucks minimum, even after court costs.

I remember all the cops who gave me breaks every time I stopped a car in my career. I think it served me well. This coffee could have been undercover karma dressed in a styrofoam leisure suit.

Her two bucks made me smile, my two bucks made him smile, and if my math is correct, and it usually isn’t, that’s three people smiling for well under five dollars, not including you.

Keep your hands to yourself, leave other people’s things alone, and be kind to one another.

Thanks for the coffee.

TC

BPD Duck of Justice is published in BDN Maine Weekly on Thursdays. This installment is for May 3.