Articles by Erin Donovan

 
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)

Can You Leave A Note For A Goat?

on Feb. 02, 2013, at 3:27 p.m.
Hello - I clipped your car when pulling into the spot beside you. There’s no damage other than a scuff, but people are staring so I want them to believe I am leaving you my insurance information with this note. Sorry about that. My best friend from college wrote this …
ERIN DONOVAN
Erin Donovan

I’m losing my grip on giving good gifts

By Erin Donovan on Jan. 30, 2013, at 1:18 p.m.
I’m not a good gift giver. It’s a truth I’ve accepted only recently. For the longest time I thought I was quite adept at it given the time I would invest in finding the right token for someone. I did all the requisite preparatory work of a savvy gift giver. …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
Erin Donovan

Nothing shakes up the house like a spouse working at home

By Erin Donovan on Jan. 23, 2013, at 4:02 p.m.
The snow of January and February blows into town with a vengeance, and with it comes many unwelcome three-word combinations, like “shovel the walk,” and “scrape the windows,” and “major traffic delays.” But perhaps the dirtiest, filthiest, most dreaded of three-word phrases that can be uttered from male to female …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)

A Freaky Thing To Do

on Jan. 23, 2013, at 12:56 a.m.
I’m preparing to do a live show this weekend. The show is a little bit David Sedaris in that I read some humor essays. It’s a little Chelsea Handler when I make fun of celebrities and use foul language. And it’s a little Jessica Simpson in that everyone will be …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
Erin Donovan

How every day begins when food is your nemesis

By Erin Donovan on Jan. 16, 2013, at 3:15 p.m.
5:20 am — Dress silently for the gym in the dark. 5:30 am — Toddler appears in the doorway of his room, sniffling, and inquires, “Why are you doing this to me?” Please, kid, only my inner thighs get to ask that. 5:32 am — Attempt in vain to convince …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)

How’s Your List Holding Up?

on Jan. 12, 2013, at 5:43 p.m.
We are less than two weeks into the new year, and I – like many of you, I hope – am loosening my grip on my resolve to do better and be better. Here are the resolutions I fear I’m falling short on: - Stop trying to look like Kim …
ERIN DONOVAN
Erin Donovan

Home alarm system hasn’t brought peace of mind

By Erin Donovan on Jan. 09, 2013, at 1:55 p.m.
I’m home alone presently. At least as home alone as a mother gets. I have my kids, and a dog, and an army of dirty laundry to keep me company, but the man I depend on to alligator-wrestle a burglar crawling through my bedroom window is gone. Unless you are …
ERIN DONOVAN
Erin Donovan

Thirteen is a number signifying it’s time for a change

By Erin Donovan on Jan. 02, 2013, at 12:46 p.m.
Five years ago I called my parents at their home in Arizona, which was always inconveniently and often sadly far from my home in New York City. My dad answered their home phone, an innocuous action yet one that still knocks me off balance every time it happens. His tone, …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)

Next Year I’m Getting Him A Beijing Escort

on Dec. 30, 2012, at 10:42 a.m.
When people ask Greg how long he’s been married, he declares without faltering, “40 years.” It’s such a sweet sentiment to overhear at a cocktail party, like when he tells people if Whining During Pregnancy were an Olympic sport I’d take gold.  I’d also win first place in the more …
ERIN DONOVAN
Erin Donovan

A vacation horror story: wearing a bathing suit in Miami

By Erin Donovan on Dec. 26, 2012, at 4:49 p.m.
When our firstborn was a few months old, we all went to Puerto Rico. When our middle child turned 2 months old, everyone flew to Santa Barbara. Neither trip imparted fond memories since we were certain, like most new parents, that the vacation would kill our baby. We spent the …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)
Erin Donovan

Finding Cheesus

on Dec. 23, 2012, at 11:04 a.m.
I have been thinking that I’d like to go back to church. It’s been a vague desire in my mind for a few years, but one that has been amplified lately by the increasingly verbal state of my children. I cringe every time they wrongly identify a church as a …
ERIN DONOVAN
Erin Donovan

I’m driving with Hannibal Lecter next time

By Erin Donovan on Dec. 19, 2012, at 2:56 p.m.
The average American drives 12,000 miles a year. If you are married with children, you must multiply that number by 28 since each mile traversed is like an uphill climb on a sheer mountain pass littered with glass shards. And you’re without shoes. The GPS readout on a family road …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)

No One Puts Babysitter In The Corner

on Dec. 09, 2012, at 12:23 p.m.
I spend a lot of time discussing with my friends the virtues of good babysitters and the vices of bad ones. More often than not, the conversations end with one of them declaring, “That just never would have happened when I was a babysitter.” To which I always reply, “Thank …
ERIN DONOVAN
Erin Donovan

There’s nothing like a pedicure to perk up your day

By Erin Donovan on Dec. 05, 2012, at 5:41 p.m.
My grandmother has electric purple toenails. She is 93 years old and donning the sort of painted nails you would expect to see on Lindsay Lohan. She is proud of her audaciously painted nails, smug about them even. If you turned up to her bridge game and questioned the veracity …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)

I’m Nearsighted, Not Clear Sighted

on Dec. 04, 2012, at 11:11 a.m.
I recently learned that a friend of mine is a clairvoyant. A psychic clairvoyant, to be precise. I don’t yet know the distinction, but I’m sure it’s better than just being a brunette clairvoyant or a tall clairvoyant. Although being any kind of clairvoyant, which I discovered to mean ‘clear …
ERIN DONOVAN

We can’t get the dog, or the kids, to calm down

By Erin Donovan on Nov. 28, 2012, at 6:06 p.m.
When I was a teenager, my mom got a dog. She was a Brittany with a compact and sturdy body covered with feathered wisps of white and amber hair. Emma was an elegant thing, reminiscent of the famous Disney spaniel, Lady. Just like that cartoon pooch, she had eyelashes of …
ERIN DONOVAN
Erin Donovan

Is there anything scarier than your first Thanksgiving with the in-laws?

By Erin Donovan on Nov. 21, 2012, at 3:07 p.m.
Thanksgiving of 1621 was nothing compared to the one of 2003. Sure, the Separatists on board the Mayflower faced some tribulations. They’d been driven out of England after years of religious persecution, forced to find spiritual haven in a new land. They boarded a ship and sailed across the stormy …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)

Things to Bring to Thanksgiving Other Than a Side Dish

on Nov. 19, 2012, at 11:58 a.m.
Finally settle the question “Where are they going?” by bringing a drifter home for the holidays. A calculator to tally everyone’s caloric intake. Write the total on each person’s hand with a red pen and a wince. A life-size cardboard cutout of the deformed guy from Goonies for everyone to …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)

Not the acid trip I was hoping for

on Nov. 13, 2012, at 2:57 p.m.
The dentist hunched over the X-rays of my teeth, which were magnified and back-lit for everyone in the office – but me – to see. He furrowed his brow and methodically stroked his mustache before swiveling his stool in my direction. He looked at me emphatically, and I braced myself …
ERIN DONOVAN
Erin Donovan

Anxiously awaiting first encounter with male stripper

By Erin Donovan on Nov. 07, 2012, at 6:58 p.m.
I’ve arrived at the precipice of something very big. A crossroads of such personal import that the only way I can begin to order the upwelling of emotion is to write about it. My entire existence has been building to this crescendo so the realization that I am now staring …
 
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