Articles by Erin Donovan
ERIN DONOVAN
Midcoast multibajillionaire knows what her husband is doing before he does it
It’s no secret that men’s thought processes and the actions that result can mystify us women. I am constantly trying to levitate my brain out of my own cranium in an attempt to make order of the things my husband does. The second I creep up on his rationale, my …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
The only travel checklist you’ll ever need
Most compromises of marriage elude me. No matter how many years I remain married, I will probably never understand how we should be decorating a room, handling joint accounts, or divvying holidays with our parents. The one thing I have mastered, however, is travel with my husband. It took some …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
Textual relations for married people
The human language has been whittled down to a sparse shorthand of capital letters meant to convey action or expression. We see these acronyms everyday, things like BRB (Be Right Back) or ROFLCGU (Rolling On The Floor Laughing, Can’t Get Up). Even the stalwarts of the written word find they …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
It’s a brave new SPF world when sunblock ceases to exist
Big things happen that change the world. Tornadoes in Oklahoma. Earthquakes in Haiti. Nuclear fallout in Japan. Wildfires in Arizona. Floods in the Gulf. Instability on Wall Street. The news coverage is like a tsunami, slapping us with a toppling wave of suffering and appeals for help. Then a tidal …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
It’s hard to keep secrets from a friend who is clairvoyant
I recently learned that a friend of mine is a clairvoyant. A psychic clairvoyant to be precise. I don’t yet understand the distinction, but I am certain that it’s better than just being a brunette clairvoyant or a tall clairvoyant. Although being any kind of clairvoyant, which I discovered to …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
A tale of two brothers, a cooler of beer and a strange motel in Wyoming
I’ve found over the years that couples have a repertoire of stories they delight in sharing at cocktail parties. First there are the tales they tell in tandem, each finishing the other’s sentence and expressing false chagrin, like it’s the first time they’ve recounted this story since the incident occurred …
ERIN DONOVAN
What our voicemail greetings say about us as we age
Voicemail greeting prior to marriage You’ve reached Erin. I’m not able to talk. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you. Why exactly was I unable to talk? Why was I indisposed to sit around on the couch, simultaneously studying my manicure and discussing my DVR queue with …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
Merging Facebook accounts proves there is such thing as too much sharing
I’ve noticed that my friend count on Facebook dwindles from time to time. At first I was alarmed that I’d announced something really unsavory and had lost friends as a result. I’m certainly prone to an impolitic soundbite about the Tea Party or the depressing state of modern celebrity, but …
ERIN DONOVAN
A separate vacation is a tradition I learned from my mother
My parents separated every summer. As far as my memory spans, my mom tossed our most basic belongings into the back of an old gray Toyota and we left my father behind, the veil of desert dust rising from the driveway in our wake. They didn’t separate in an irreconcilable …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
Birthday celebrations are tough for those with a low party IQ
My eldest child turned 5 years old last week. I worry that I didn’t create enough fanfare or deliver the needed dose of magic. It wasn’t a bad day; He won’t be penning an Irish memoir about his parents absconding with his shiny birthday coins to spend them on pints …
ERIN DONOVAN
Shake Weight good for a laugh, but that’s about it
My husband bought one of those dumbbells that needs to be shaken in order to sculpt muscles. It’s called the Shake Weight, an intuitive moniker that tells you all you really need to know about it yet everyone describes the apparatus by its peculiar function. If you tell someone that …
ERIN DONOVAN
Cupcake joke after visit to the pool hall leads to Easter brunch disaster
I once ate 13 sticky buns at an Easter brunch. I was young, and possessed the kind of metabolism that didn’t flinch at a deluge of Karo syrup. I can’t explain why I ate that many; I only recall that Mrs. Benson kept pushing glaze-coated nuggets off a hot tray, …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
Desperately seeking Maine’s spring season
When explorer John Smith made landfall in America and began charting the shoreline of the East Coast, it is reported that he sailed into Maine and immediately turned his ship around, citing the upper reaches of New England to be the “over-cold.” I tried to do the same thing when …
ERIN DONOVAN
It helps a marriage if at least one spouse is a good speller
I’m a good speller. I will probably misspell something in this essay as karmic punishment for beginning a tale by lauding myself an expert speller. It’s just something I’m good at. It’s a byproduct of a childhood whiled away with books containing subject matters way beyond my emotional maturity. I …
ERIN DONOVAN
When partying in Australia, it’s a good idea to wear black underwear
Editor’s note: This column is the second in a two-part series. The first can be read at http://bdn.to/k5cr. There is not a more powerful thing to echo inside the ears of a poor traveler than the siren song of free food. With that, I allowed her to push me into …
ERIN DONOVAN
Discovering how to have fun in a land down under
I had been living in Australia for the better part of a year, which seemed — on the front end of the trip — to be more time than I would want, but after enduring the 20-hour plane ride, it turned out to be the minimum amount of time I …
ERIN DONOVAN
I think it’s time to find Cheesus again
I have been thinking that I’d like to go back to church. It has been a vague desire in my mind for a few years, but one that has been amplified lately by the increasingly verbal state of my children. I cringe every time they wrongly identify a church as …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)
Oh, Valentine’s Day
on Feb. 13, 2013, at 10:32 a.m.
I know Valentine’s Day is stupid. Perhaps we shouldn’t buy into something that was hatched by Hallmark to raise revenue. It is designated a holiday by calendars the world over, though. Which is more than I can say about the Super Bowl. That was invented by guys who sustained a …
ERIN DONOVAN
Running out of gas can be a positive experience
I’ve been trying to live a bit louder lately. I have been experimenting with some new things in an effort to outgrow my personal borders. Mostly I’m concerned with being a person who doesn’t always say, “I won’t,” in favor of being someone who can say, “I have.” Even if …
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)
Can You Leave A Note For A Goat?
on Feb. 02, 2013, at 3:27 p.m.
Hello - I clipped your car when pulling into the spot beside you. There’s no damage other than a scuff, but people are staring so I want them to believe I am leaving you my insurance information with this note. Sorry about that. My best friend from college wrote this …
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