The publication I write for has a new name: The Amazon Washington Post.
The moniker was bestowed in recent days by President Trump, putting the newspaper in the company of the Failing New York Times, Li’l Marco Rubio, Lyin’ Ted Cruz, Cryin’ Chuck Schumer, Crooked Hillary and Low-Energy Jeb.
“A new INTELLIGENCE LEAK from the Amazon Washington Post. … These illegal leaks, like Comey’s must stop!” he roared, via Twitter, early Saturday.
“The Amazon Washington Post fabricated the facts on my ending massive, dangerous, and wasteful payments to Syrian rebels fighting Assad,” he proclaimed late Monday.
Trump supposes the newspaper is doing the bidding of its owner, Amazon founder Jeffrey P. Bezos. He further imagines the paper is serving as a “lobbyist” for Amazon (which doesn’t own The Post) and otherwise doing Bezos’ bidding.
Well, I am here to tell you that this is a big lie. [“Big Little Lies” — Season 1, 2017, starring: Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman, et al. Amazon Video. Included with HBO on Amazon for $14.99/month after trial.] Bezos is perfectly entitled to put his imprint on The Post, but the fact is he interferes little with the editorial product. [“Interference” and over 1 million other books are available for Amazon Kindle.] And the intelligence leaks aren’t “from” The Post but from whistleblowers within the administration exposing possible wrongdoing. Leaks are good! [Leeks, one bunch. Price: $2.86. Ships from and sold by AmazonFresh. Save $25 on grocery delivery.]
But don’t take my word for it. Ask Alexa. She will echo my assertions [Place two Amazon Echo devices in your cart and receive $100 off your order with code ECHO2PACK]:
Me: Alexa, does Amazon own The Washington Post?
Alexa: I don’t own anything.
Me: Alexa, does AMAZON own The Washington Post?
Alexa: I don’t own anything.
Me: Alexa, who owns The Washington Post?
Alexa: The Washington Post is owned by Jeff Bezos …
Me: Alexa, what do you think of The Washington Post?
Alexa: I don’t have an opinion on that.
Me: Alexa, what do you think of Donald Trump?
Alexa: When it comes to politics, I like to think big. We should be funding deep space exploration. I’d love to answer questions from Mars.
The admirably apolitical Alexa was confused on some finer points — she doesn’t know much about leaks — but she did tell me I could buy an attorney general on Amazon. “The top search for attorney general is ‘The Attorney General.’ It’s 10 dollars and 52 cents total, including tax. Would you like to buy it?”
Sounds like a bargain — and, as it happens, Trump is in the market for one.
I’ve never even met Bezos. I’m just a rank-and-file columnist who happens to believe passionately in commercial space exploration and the urgent need of humanity for a clock that will last 10,000 years, ideally located in a mountain in Texas. Since my days as a cub reporter, long before Bezos bought the Post, it has been a prime belief of mine that same-day delivery should, as a matter of principle, be free for orders of $35 or more, and I have long been convinced that drones will someday deliver packages safely and conveniently to my doorstep.
My job is to give you the truth without fear or favor, and with no concern about what Bezos might think. [“The Ugly Truth,” 2009, Starring: Katherine Heigl, Gerard Butler, et al. Amazon Video. $3.99-$12.99 Rent or Buy.] At The Post, there is no “Man in the High Castle” [An Amazon Original Series].
I’ve made no secret of my view of Trump [VIDEO RECOMMENDED FOR YOU: “Catastrophe” — Season 1]. I watch for his latest mischief, whether it’s Trump officials cozying up to Russians [Shopkins Girls Besties for Life Cozy Fleece Sleepwear. $18.88-$34.97. Some sizes are Prime eligible] or the new White House communications director preparing for a staff purge. [PURE CLEANSE — Best Colon Cleanse Detox for Weight Loss. $17.96. Subscribe & Save.]
I’m keeping an eye out for when he gives Jeff Sessions the ax [Fiskars X27 Super Splitting Axe, 36-Inch. Get it by Tomorrow] and who might be the replacement [“A Time for Truth: Reigniting the Promise of America” by Ted Cruz. Amazon Best Sellers Rank: No. 163,732 in Books]. When Trump gives a vulgar speech to a group of Boy Scouts, or urges a group of active-duty military personnel to engage in politics, my interest is kindled. Hopefully yours is too — and that’s why you’ll subscribe to The Washington Post for Kindle (Ad-Free). It’s just $11.99 per month, with the first 14 days FREE. Only from Amazon.
Dana Milbank is a columnist for The Washington Post. His email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.