June 24, 2018
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A modern Valentine

Erin Donovan
By Erin Donovan, Special to the BDN

I know Valentine’s Day is stupid.

Perhaps you’re right that we shouldn’t buy into something that was hatched by Hallmark to raise revenue.

It is designated a holiday by calendars the world over, though.

Which is more than I can say about the Super Bowl.

That was invented by men who sustained a lot of cranial trauma.

I hear you, we don’t need one day to recognize our love for each other.

But I wasn’t exactly feeling the love last Wednesday when you told me beige wasn’t my best


Or when you asked me to rub your belly while you ate chicken wings and shouted at the


Or when we spent our date night using Turbo Tax.

It’s not about forced gift giving because I don’t get you anything.

So yes, it is exactly like our anniversary.

The only difference is that you can actually remember the date.

I don’t need anything big and sparkly.

Unless you want to give me something big and sparkly.

Because I was actually lying when I said I didn’t need anything big and sparkly.

Whatever you do, just don’t get me apparel.

The last time you went down this road it ended with an XL T-shirt that read “Chicago Girl”

Which was weird since I’m from Arizona.

And we live in Maine.

I’ve only ever been to Chicago a few times for work.

How about a cleaning lady?

I realize the day is meant to commemorate love.

But my love for her would be deep and abiding.

And maybe even marital if she disinfects sinks.

What about relationship counseling?

I know you hate the idea of being subjected to couples’ skill building.

Think of it as time to lie upon a couch that doesn’t contain the Battlestar Galactica of Legos.

I haven’t forgotten the ice cream maker you bought me.

That was a wonderful gift.

Because I’d been thinking I needed to dedicate more time to churning.

It proved useful as I needed a storage solution for my shoes.

I noticed on Facebook that your friend Drew designed a Scavenger Hunt Of Love for his wife.

It doesn’t matter if everyone thinks Drew likes men.

He likes men and is really good at footwear and choosing TV series and at Valentine’s Day.

No, sending me a request to join you in Words With Friends is not the same.

Susan and her husband are going to Quebec.

I know you’ve been advised not to return to Canada after the hockey incident.

There’s something romantic about negative wind chill when it’s in Europe.

Or the closest thing we have to Europe.

No, Medieval Times will not suffice. Even though I have one free admission coupon.

It’s fine that you have to work late.

The kids made me something out of construction paper.

And I bought myself a sheet cake.

The frosting reads, “You Still Rock My World.”

I’m gonna spend my night eating it and creating Wikipedia entries.

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