May 26, 2018
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Nothing excites us like a reality TV crew in the vicinity

Renee Ordway
By Renee Ordway, Special to the BDN

My first Facebook message of the day on Friday came at the uncivilized hour of 6 a.m.

“I thought for sure the next reality show in Bangor would be about you and yours,” it stated.

Only off-the-wall early morning radio show hosts can get away with such things.

Since I had just one eye open, no caffeine in my system or newspaper in my hand, I was unsure exactly what the heck he was talking about.

Which isn’t uncommon, since I think his life motto is “If everything seems under control, then you’re just not moving fast enough,” and well, my life these days isn’t moving very fast.

Sometimes I find it challenging to keep up.

Curious, however, I found the newspaper story to which he referred, announcing that a Bangor-area family was set to be the subject of a new reality TV show.

As I shuffled my slippered feet to the bottom of the stairs and threatened my youngest’s life for the third time if he didn’t get up, I murmured to myself, “Yup, this would surely grab some ratings.”

Soon, as normal people begin to rise, take nourishment and tune in, locals started tearing up social media sites with questions and comments about the story.

I suggested to the radio guy that perhaps it was the Smileys, Bangor’s now-famous military family and subject of a recently published book “Dinner With the Smileys” written by mom Sarah Smiley, who also writes a column for this paper.

He didn’t think so.

Then I made my son a turkey sandwich, put some grapes in a baggie and dropped him off at his job.

I stopped at a yard sale on the way home and bought a book for $1.

It’s my reality, but I doubt worthy of a TV show.

As I pondered it a bit more I was struck by one disturbing thought.

“Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

That show airs on TLC, is a ratings phenomenon and supposedly the reality of a McIntrye, Ga., family. It centers on Honey Boo Boo, a 7-year-old beauty pageant participant and the redneck exploits of her family.

I’ve seen small parts of two episodes, including a scene in which Mama June licks a ketchup bottle to show the cameraman how much she loves the stuff.

Also there is a lot of farting — and they eat a lot of cheese balls.

That’s about what I know.

To kick off the latest season, People magazine and US Weekly distributed scratch-and-sniff cards in their publications so that during the premiere, viewers, on cue, could scratch and sniff odors related to the scene on the TV screen.

Those odors of course included Mama June’s farts and roadkill.

True story.

If Russian President Vladimir Putin thinks homosexuals are degrading his society, perhaps he should tune in to a little Honey Boo Boo madness and see the kind of mess we are in over here.

Now the film company producing the new series here says it will feature “a very unique Maine family.”

To which I ask with a small degree of worry, “please define unique.”

Most reality shows I’m aware of involve people who are rich or rednecks, behave badly, have a dozen or so kids or have highly dangerous jobs or disturbing hobbies.

The fishing industry in Maine has been covered by History Channel’s “Nor’Easter Men” and the logging industry here has the Discovery Channel’s “American Loggers.”

So what will it be?

Keep your eyes peeled for the camera crews because they started filming on Friday.

Meanwhile, now that my column is done, and don’t think that process wouldn’t make for some riveting TV, I’m taking the dog for a walk. She likes to eat the neighbor’s grass.

The excitement never ends.

Since it’s Friday we may order pizza tonight.

Now that actually may be worthy of a scratch-and-sniff card.

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