Apparently I don’t waste enough time on the Internet. A relative of Blue Eyes has tipped me off to www.stumbleupon.com, a cornucopia of useless (and occasionally useful) information.

Normally, I crank up the computer at 7 a.m. and I am still there at 11 a.m. after reviewing the nation’s news, the latest Red Sox disaster, e-mail and, naturally, Facebook. That all will change now.

Once you download the Stumbleupon system, you can fly from exotic website to website, all chosen from your favorites list. This addition will take me right through the lunch hour.

On the very first day, I struck gold on the My Particular Utterance website.

Now it may be (probably is) a joke promulgated by the school of physics at the University of Sydney. I don’t care.

It could be a miracle.

As those of us who paid attention in our physics class know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water by 1 degree.

“Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the only available source, your body fat,” according to the website My Particular Utterance.

Pay attention.

“A dessert like ice cream served and eaten at near 0 degrees C will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C. For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 ounces, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories are extracted from body fat as the dessert’s temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories,” the site stated.

My favorite part.

“Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.”

More good news.

“This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer,” the site claimed.

So, the more very cold beer you drink, the more weight you lose, right?

Life would be perfect if pizza did the same thing, but unfortunately, the heated pie will have the opposite effect from all that cheese and calories and pack on a few more pounds of lard.

Any “astute reader” would determine that the calories from the pizza should be erased by consuming even more very cold beer, then ice cream, the website advised.

A diet of pizza, very cold beer and ice cream.

I guess it is a joke. Too bad.

I will jump back on Stumbleupon.com to see if there are similar “health food” sites.