What is going on in this photograph?
1. Officer Nathaniel Alvarado has opened his own Etsy Store and is in the process of interviewing employees who can “sell, sell, sell” and have hand-model skills not unlike those of Vanna White.
2. An extremely happy lady has finally collected the winning number of traffic tickets and became eligible for our not so successful “Free Necklace for the Reckless” traffic initiative.
3. A new program called “Selfies with a Shoplifter” has been launched after we apprehended a lady with a really, really huge purse and a fixation for anything related to, including, or containing beads.
No, don’t be foolish. What you see here is our Belizean boy wonder reuniting a nice lady with her jewelry that has been missing for a long time.
Officer Alvarado has been working in our crime lab/evidence room for a time. Today, while prepping some recovered jewelry items which were unclaimed, he noticed a card from the veterinary office of Dr. Barbara Farren.
Officer Alvarado contacted Dr. Farren who was kind enough to stop by our department. She looked through some paperwork that was discovered with this stash of jewelry and recognized information regarding two poodles.
The doctor did a lot as she did not want to “do little” (see what I did there, you’re welcome) and she identified the owner of the two poodles and the jewelry as Cynthia Darling.
The poodles have advised us, through their attorney, that they have no issue with their medical information being broadcast to our 268 thousand friends, but reserve the right to sue at a later date for biscuits, longer walks and no more of those stupid haircuts that make them the butt end of all the jokes about being pompous and self absorbed. The spaniels on the next street over are always pointing at them, which is out of character for a flushing breed.
Alvarado found a phone number for Ms. Darling and a short time later she walked into the crime lab and began to cry as she identified the family heirloom jewelry as her own.
We want to recognize Officer Nathaniel Alvarado for taking a moment to do a little extra. We want to thank Dr. Barbara Farren for taking time to give us a hand.
We also want to thank Cynthia Darling for being grateful enough to shed a few tears. Sometimes tears can be a precursor, and possibly the unexpected lubricant, to smiles from everyone in the room.
That ain’t a bad day at the Bangor Police Department.
Maintaining the world’s most marginally famous police department Facebook page is not as easy as some would believe. There are dry spells, sometimes drought-like conditions in the mind of the overseer of said page.
I sat down this week, on three different occasions, with plans to be creative and poignant. On each of those three occasions I failed miserably, deleted the verbiage I had slapped down on the electronic parchment and wandered off to the backyard to fill the bird feeder, watch the dog relieve herself of excessive kibble, and on one occasion I fell down and popped the back of my melon on the ice. I am fine, send no cards. Just a little lump.
I came the conclusion (after 54 years) that I should just step up and buy some of those stupid looking ice creepers which all of the ironically-blessed, black plastic framed eyeglasses wearing Acadia bound well-read Patagonia clad out-of-staters have been wearing for years.
It’s smart. I am not making fun of them, sometimes it takes a New Yorker to teach a Mainer how to wander around on a slippery surface. Falling never used to be all that bad (refer back to information in the parenthesis in the first sentence of the last paragraph).
For the record I just feel stupid buying something I can make at home with a couple of inverted beer-bottle caps super-glued to a strip of rubber from an old inner tube.
Yes Chummy, I know that short machine screws placed strategically into the soles of Lacrosse pac boots or an old pair of Dexter boat shoes works just as well, but those things make a mess of mumma’s hardwood floors when you forget to toss the footwear off in the hallway before stepping off that salt and slush coated welcome mat you retrieved from the transfer station last year.
Poorly shellacked mixed birch and maple hardwood is not resistant to Budweiser caps. Ask Chummy.
It is in these small moments of clarity that mind of a soon to be member of the AARP realized that you just don’t know everything you think you do. Falling happens faster than your cat-like reflexes can stop the plunge to cold hard ground.
Be careful out there.
I’ll write something soon that will be page-worthy. Until then, keep your hands to yourself, leave other people’s things alone, and be kind to one another.
We will be here.
The Bangor Police Department’s Duck of Justice is published in BDN Maine Weekly on Thursdays. This installment is for Feb. 8.