Proving once again that, in Maine, “dreams come true,” your overnight closed-eye, open mouth, snore infused visualizations of a white Christmas were forced on the rest of us who were not wishing for the same thing.
The Christmas Day storm was not one of those poorly produced snowstorms from a Hallmark Christmas Marathon of extremely attractive people in a small town in Upstate America where the snow miraculously piled up on the edges of anywhere they need to walk while they are wearing sporty cardigans and Bean Boots which will never need a firm rubdown of mink-oil or will ever have a broken lace while you are late for work.
This storm appeared to be (my words, not from Hallmark) an in your face, boot-filling, curse word infused, mitten-soaking, pain in the back of your festive union suit wearing jolly butt-crack type of storm.
If you are spending time with friends here in Maine for the remainder of the holidays and you are from “away,” (you know who you are) the suggestion from this happ-happ-happy police officer is to get your lazy-out-of town-totin’-self out of bed before you smell the bacon cooking and grab yourself a shovel or scoop and pitch in when the next storm hits.
None of us like coming back into the house covered in cold, wet and copious amounts of nature’s frozen nourishment only to find you sitting on the couch wearing stupid holiday pajamas whilst holding a mug of hot goodness and saying things like this-
- “Looks cold outside.”
- “Brrrrrrr, can I help you with something inside the house?”
- “I could never live here full-time, but golly, isn’t that snow beautiful?”
- “At least it is a fluffy snow!”
- “We ate all the bacon, but if you get my car cleaned off I can run down to Dunkies and grab you one of those microwaved sandwich thingies.”
I don’t want to offend any former visitors to my chateau, but this year it will be only be me outside shoveling.
I am so glad the Christmas snow was “fluffy.”
Keep your hands to yourself, leave other people’s things alone, and be kind to one another. All we have is each other.
We will be here.
You knew there would be a time when you were going to have to grab a light jacket out of the hallway coat closet.
Temperatures are more bitter than your mother-in-law was when you told her that you had eloped with her daughter in September while you were in Vegas for the hardware convention. This was only after mom-in-law told you she just picked out the perfect dress for your previously-planned (and paid for) spring wedding.
I shouldn’t have to tell you to dress warm, we can leave that for the weather forecasters who will be using the following terms during our cold snap-
1. Bundle-up (nooooo, seriously?)
2. Cover exposed skin (for real?)
3. Throw an extra stick of wood on the fire! (many who do not have indoor wood-burning appliances found out that it really smokes up the house.)
Bangor seems warmer than the rest of the areas north of us. We are at about -2 degrees, but northern and western Maine are dealing with a lot more of this negativity.
TC’s tips to be warmer-
1. Have your spouse start the car at least 1/2 hour prior to your exit out of the house. Tell them to scrape the frost off the windshield, they are going out anyway.
2. Ask your housemate to put your lap throw or blanket in the dryer (on low) at least 10 minutes before you need to have it placed softly on your lap while watching the morning weather.
3. If you find your morning coffee gets below the optimum temperature while watching the weather, request your spouse to pop it into the microwave prior to them having to go outside to start your car. They shouldn’t have to think about that when they come back inside, they might be chilly.
4. Prepare to run if your spouse or housemate becomes disgusted with you for asking. A quick sprint from their grasp or attempted pummeling will make you feel warmer for a few minutes.
Check on shut-ins and the elderly. Even a quick call would be appreciated. See if they need anything for day to day living, maybe you can pick it up so they don’t have to go out.
Make sure your pets or farm critters have shelter and watch out for one another.
Call us if you need us.
The Bangor Police Department’s Duck of Justice is published in BDN Maine Weekly on Thursdays. This installment is for Jan. 4.