Articles by Erin Donovan
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
A tale of two brothers, a cooler of beer and a strange motel in Wyoming
I’ve found over the years that couples have a repertoire of stories they delight in sharing at cocktail parties. First there are the tales they tell in tandem, each finishing the other’s sentence and expressing false chagrin, like it’s the first time they’ve recounted this story since the incident occurred ...
ERIN DONOVAN
What our voicemail greetings say about us as we age
Voicemail greeting prior to marriage You’ve reached Erin. I’m not able to talk. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you. Why exactly was I unable to talk? Why was I indisposed to sit around on the couch, simultaneously studying my manicure and discussing my DVR queue with ...
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
Merging Facebook accounts proves there is such thing as too much sharing
I’ve noticed that my friend count on Facebook dwindles from time to time. At first I was alarmed that I’d announced something really unsavory and had lost friends as a result. I’m certainly prone to an impolitic soundbite about the Tea Party or the depressing state of modern celebrity, but ...
ERIN DONOVAN
A separate vacation is a tradition I learned from my mother
My parents separated every summer. As far as my memory spans, my mom tossed our most basic belongings into the back of an old gray Toyota and we left my father behind, the veil of desert dust rising from the driveway in our wake. They didn’t separate in an irreconcilable ...
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
Birthday celebrations are tough for those with a low party IQ
My eldest child turned 5 years old last week. I worry that I didn’t create enough fanfare or deliver the needed dose of magic. It wasn’t a bad day; He won’t be penning an Irish memoir about his parents absconding with his shiny birthday coins to spend them on pints ...
ERIN DONOVAN
Shake Weight good for a laugh, but that’s about it
My husband bought one of those dumbbells that needs to be shaken in order to sculpt muscles. It’s called the Shake Weight, an intuitive moniker that tells you all you really need to know about it yet everyone describes the apparatus by its peculiar function. If you tell someone that ...
ERIN DONOVAN
Cupcake joke after visit to the pool hall leads to Easter brunch disaster
I once ate 13 sticky buns at an Easter brunch. I was young, and possessed the kind of metabolism that didn’t flinch at a deluge of Karo syrup. I can’t explain why I ate that many; I only recall that Mrs. Benson kept pushing glaze-coated nuggets off a hot tray, ...
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
Desperately seeking Maine’s spring season
When explorer John Smith made landfall in America and began charting the shoreline of the East Coast, it is reported that he sailed into Maine and immediately turned his ship around, citing the upper reaches of New England to be the “over-cold.” I tried to do the same thing when ...
ERIN DONOVAN
It helps a marriage if at least one spouse is a good speller
I’m a good speller. I will probably misspell something in this essay as karmic punishment for beginning a tale by lauding myself an expert speller. It’s just something I’m good at. It’s a byproduct of a childhood whiled away with books containing subject matters way beyond my emotional maturity. I ...
ERIN DONOVAN
When partying in Australia, it’s a good idea to wear black underwear
Editor’s note: This column is the second in a two-part series. The first can be read at http://bdn.to/k5cr. There is not a more powerful thing to echo inside the ears of a poor traveler than the siren song of free food. With that, I allowed her to push me into ...
ERIN DONOVAN
Discovering how to have fun in a land down under
I had been living in Australia for the better part of a year, which seemed — on the front end of the trip — to be more time than I would want, but after enduring the 20-hour plane ride, it turned out to be the minimum amount of time I ...
ERIN DONOVAN
I think it’s time to find Cheesus again
I have been thinking that I’d like to go back to church. It has been a vague desire in my mind for a few years, but one that has been amplified lately by the increasingly verbal state of my children. I cringe every time they wrongly identify a church as ...
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)
Oh, Valentine’s Day
on Feb. 13, 2013, at 10:32 a.m.
I know Valentine’s Day is stupid. Perhaps we shouldn’t buy into something that was hatched by Hallmark to raise revenue. It is designated a holiday by calendars the world over, though. Which is more than I can say about the Super Bowl. That was invented by guys who sustained a ...
ERIN DONOVAN
Running out of gas can be a positive experience
I’ve been trying to live a bit louder lately. I have been experimenting with some new things in an effort to outgrow my personal borders. Mostly I’m concerned with being a person who doesn’t always say, “I won’t,” in favor of being someone who can say, “I have.” Even if ...
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)
Can You Leave A Note For A Goat?
on Feb. 02, 2013, at 3:27 p.m.
Hello - I clipped your car when pulling into the spot beside you. There’s no damage other than a scuff, but people are staring so I want them to believe I am leaving you my insurance information with this note. Sorry about that. My best friend from college wrote this ...
ERIN DONOVAN
I’m losing my grip on giving good gifts
I’m not a good gift giver. It’s a truth I’ve accepted only recently. For the longest time I thought I was quite adept at it given the time I would invest in finding the right token for someone. I did all the requisite preparatory work of a savvy gift giver. ...
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
Nothing shakes up the house like a spouse working at home
The snow of January and February blows into town with a vengeance, and with it comes many unwelcome three-word combinations, like “shovel the walk,” and “scrape the windows,” and “major traffic delays.” But perhaps the dirtiest, filthiest, most dreaded of three-word phrases that can be uttered from male to female ...
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)
A Freaky Thing To Do
on Jan. 23, 2013, at 12:56 a.m.
I’m preparing to do a live show this weekend. The show is a little bit David Sedaris in that I read some humor essays. It’s a little Chelsea Handler when I make fun of celebrities and use foul language. And it’s a little Jessica Simpson in that everyone will be ...
I'M GONNA KILL HIM
How every day begins when food is your nemesis
5:20 am — Dress silently for the gym in the dark. 5:30 am — Toddler appears in the doorway of his room, sniffling, and inquires, “Why are you doing this to me?” Please, kid, only my inner thighs get to ask that. 5:32 am — Attempt in vain to convince ...
I'M GONNA KILL HIM (blog)
How’s Your List Holding Up?
on Jan. 12, 2013, at 5:43 p.m.
We are less than two weeks into the new year, and I – like many of you, I hope – am loosening my grip on my resolve to do better and be better. Here are the resolutions I fear I’m falling short on: - Stop trying to look like Kim ...
A better way to help people escape welfare
A letter to Michelle Obama in light of military sex assault epidemic
Revising the terms of war against al-Qaida
Manchester 15-year-old off to impressive start for Earnhardt Jr.’s JR Motorsports
Houlton council, community still concerned about costly Millar Civic Center
Bangor’s Marcus Davis hopes to counter opponent’s height, reach advantage in Lewiston MMA main event
For those who are too fat for Abercrombie and Fitch
Kitchen Nightmares meltdown or: How to lose an argument online
Market Basket in Biddeford starts hiring 300 workers
Arguments over gun control and abortion will never be settled
A spot of tea, a spread of treats, at Camden’s Fromviandoux