Three years ago, I divorced after only 18 months of marriage. My husband was a university professor, and he had been having a nonsexual but emotionally intimate relationship with a student. His behavior became suspicious, I asked him point blank, and he answered that he had serious feelings for said student. I wanted to repair our marriage, he did not, and we divorced.
During the divorce, many details of similar “extracurricular activities” came to light. Prior to becoming a professor he was a high school teacher. He was fired from one high school position for having an inappropriate relationship with a young female student (again, nonsexual, but emotionally intimate). When he applied for a job at the school where he previously taught, they declined to hire him and explained that it was because several parents had come forward about inappropriate interactions with their daughters.
Following our divorce, I discovered that he had entered into a relationship with another student at his university, this time sexual, and that he had lost his job as a result. I understood that they gave him an opportunity to resign, which he took. He moved away with this former student, and we are not in touch.
Recently, I became curious as to his whereabouts and Googled him. I discovered that he is teaching at a prestigious co-ed boarding school. He lives at the school with the students. What is my responsibility in this situation? Aside from my bout of curiosity, I have moved on from this relationship and have made a happy life post-divorce. I would like to ignore what I saw, because I have no interest in inviting his presence into my life again. I assume a prestigious school does a background and reference check, and that they didn’t find anything unsatisfactory.
Still, there is a part of me that thinks — what if they don’t know? What if I had a daughter at that school, and someone out there knew about this teacher’s proclivities and said nothing? I have little to substantiate what I know, except that I could refer the principal to his previous employers. I feel like Eve — I ate from the tree of knowledge, and really wish I hadn’t. What do I owe myself and the students at this school?
It’s likely that the school that hired your ex-husband did do some sort of background check but found nothing alarming. What you know about him — his emotional and sexual exploitation, his grooming of his female students — could well have been under the radar of the due diligence. Your sleazy ex appears savvy enough not to get into bed with underage students; he waits until they are no longer minors. So when his current employer searched for a criminal record, they didn’t find one.
Yes, he got fired from one school, but that information likely didn’t emerge in a cursory credential check. To avoid lawsuits, most places of employment these days simply confirm that someone worked there on a given set of dates. And since your ex was allowed to resign from his university post, all he had to do to explain his departure was to say he realized his heart lay with high school students (for sure!). I’m sure if the head of this boarding school had a whiff of your ex’s modus operandi, your ex would not be allowed to act as in loco parentis for a bunch of teenagers.
I understand that you regret your idle Googling because, though your curiosity has been sated, you now find yourself with a moral dilemma about this predator. I think the school needs to know. However, you’re kind of stuck because while you’ve collected an alarming pattern of stories, your documentation is almost nonexistent. Were you to be identified as the source of this information, you could face a defamation suit. So I say it’s time to write the good old anonymous letter, and arrange to send it from a state other than the one where you reside. Enumerate the facts you’ve related here and stick to them — no character assassination — and state your concern about someone with this personal history being in the teaching profession. Send it to the head of school and the officers of the board of trustees.
Let’s hope it puts a crimp in their summer vacations and forces them to take quick action. But be aware that even if your ex leaves this prep school, unless he gets nabbed by the criminal justice system, there is likely another teaching position in his future.
Five years ago during the summer, when I was 19, my friend and I took a one-day trip to a nearby city. We left late at night after I finished my shift as a cashier. When I picked her up, her mother got so mad that we were leaving so late that she kicked her out of the house along with her dog. While we were in city that day, we left the dog in the car. When we returned to the car in the evening, the dog was dead. This was the worst mistake of my life.
I think about it all the time, especially now, when it’s so hot. I feel such pangs of regret and guilt that sometimes I feel like I am going to have a panic attack. I am so ashamed and wonder what we were thinking. My mom made a point that I didn’t leave the dog in the car with malicious intent. It was a mistake that I need to learn from and move on. I’ve asked my boyfriend why he doesn’t hate me and he’s said because it was a mistake.
I know everyone makes mistakes, but is mine unforgivable? Should I not ever be allowed to have a dog of my own? I know that I didn’t do it on purpose, and I love animals. My mom suggested seeing a therapist if I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know what a therapist might say that I haven’t thought of or considered already. Do you have any advice on how to cope?
— Dog Lover
Since you keep going over the event, consider the precipitating one. Your friend’s mother sent the family dog off late at night for a road trip with a couple of teenage girls. I hope that adult has had a chance during her own sleepless nights to consider the consequences of her temper.
You and your friend were a pair of young dopes whose thoughtlessness resulted in a dog’s death. But five years later it is way past time for you to stop beating yourself up over a mistake. Gene Weingarten won a Pulitzer Prize for his harrowing account in The Washington Post of parents who, distracted by daily events, made the deadly error of forgetting they left their baby in the back seat. His piece should help give you some perspective.
By now, you may have gotten so hooked on endlessly punishing yourself that you can’t see a way to forgiveness. But the world is not made better by your being mired in guilt. You love animals, so improve some of their lives and start volunteering at a shelter. I think reconnecting with dogs, seeing their tails wag at your arrival, can bring you the healing you deserve. If it doesn’t, find a cognitive therapist who can help you address your obsessive thoughts. The people who love you best are right — you have suffered enough.
I have been married for 45 years and have three adult children. My husband has had a secret addiction to pornography and our intimate life suffered to the point where we have not had sex since the Reagan administration. For many, many years, I had no idea what was wrong, but assumed it had to be a fault with me, that my husband didn’t find me appealing enough. I am sure I don’t need to tell you what that has done to me in terms of self-esteem and intimacy.
There is a Berlin Wall between us. I have come to accept it. My adult children wonder now at my apparent deadness of spirit and I simply say that I have my reasons. They do not need to know the truth about my husband’s addiction. He is their father even though they are adults. Can you offer some counsel?
— Suffering in Silence
It’s too bad your husband never learned the use of fantasy and ran some of these porn tapes in his head while he continued to make love to you. I know a lot of people felt things went wrong when Ronald Reagan left office, but your husband seems to have taken to an extreme.
You say it’s been almost a quarter-century since you and your husband had sex. But as the Bush administration became the Clinton administration became the Bush administration, with no intimacy from your husband, it’s rather extraordinary you didn’t decide to impeach this marriage and get out.
Marriage is a partnership. Your spouse profoundly withdrew from you, but you hung in and let him kill your spirit. The question is not what you tell the kids. It’s what you want to do with the rest of your life.
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