June 22, 2018
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Textual relations for married people

Erin Donovan
By Erin Donovan

The human language has been whittled down to a sparse shorthand of capital letters meant to convey action or expression. We see these acronyms everyday, things like BRB (Be Right Back) or ROFLCGU (Rolling On The Floor Laughing, Can’t Get Up).

Even the stalwarts of the written word find they have fallen prey to the occasional LOL or BTW.

The trouble with the acronyms in common rotation are that they’re not especially useful to the middle-aged married person, particularly those of us with children. We don’t have time for real conversation anymore since the instant we bring the phone to our ear, the children attempt to kill themselves in our bathroom. Texting is safer. And faster.

And — let’s face it — nothing says romance like the red blink of a BlackBerry containing misspelled commands.

Here is a list of handy text acronyms for your marriage.

HIM: HAK? (How are kids?)

HER: CFV (Crying, fighting, vomiting)

HIM: SFC? (Stop for Condoms?)

HER: NSFC (Nah, Stop for Cupcakes)

HIM: RL (Running late)

HER: REL (Running even later)

HIM: BGOT (Big game on tonight)

HER: BOOYFWT (Burden one of your friend’s wives then)

HIM: AYSM? (Are you spending money?)

HER: LTAWIS (Let’s talk about what I’m saving)

HIM: WAYW? (What are you wearing?)

HER: SWTHE? (Sweats, what the heck else?)

HIM: WLT (Working late tonight)

HER: SYBPOYNIYDLN (Sending your boss photos of you naked if you don’t leave now)

HER: ATNA? (At Target, need anything?)

HIM: NAEHTC (No, and empty half the cart)

HIM: WTITGNO? (What time is this girl’s night over?)

HER: CSJPIHOAAMIATEBIHBATS,NAS (Considering Sara just puked in her own appletini and Mary is asking the entire bar if her boobs are too saggy, not anytime soon.

HIM: AKA? (Are kids asleep?)

HER: NTHSLAW2B (No, they have the stamina of Lance Armstrong with two balls)

HIM: WRU? (Where are you?)

HER: SEWIGSPL (Stress-eating and weeping in the grocery store parking lot)

HIM: DWHADNT? (Do we have a date night tonight?)

HER: IS2HA (It started 2 hours ago)

HIM: WFD? (What’s for dinner?)

HER: Pretend your phone died

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