Janine Pineo

A holiday tune for what bugs you

Japanese beetles demonstrate the lyrics to &quotBeetle Mania: The Carol."
Japanese beetles demonstrate the lyrics to "Beetle Mania: The Carol."
Posted Dec. 21, 2012, at 6:01 a.m.

I fear the annual dreaded carol from a deranged gardener has emerged from its cozy cocoon just in time for a little yuletide cheer.

You never do know what’s in a cocoon, do you? I don’t. Who knew I had this song in me, for I certainly didn’t. But obviously something has been bugging me.

I started doing this back in 2003, mangling the lovely “Jingle Bells,” and have been going nonstop ever since. OK, for some inexplicable reason, I missed a year.

Whoever just applauded may get coal in their stocking.

Otherwise it’s been one masterpiece after another. I’ve ruined everything from the elegant “Carol of the Bells” to the emotionally wrenching “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”

So fire up the kazoo and put in some earplugs. Set to the Johnny Marks’ tune of “Holly, Jolly Christmas,” I give you this year’s gem.

Beetle Mania: The Carol

I’ve got larvae in my back lawn,

They don’t mind it when it snows.

Come springtime they’re doing fine,

And then they start to grow.

Plant those peas and beans and flowers.

Time for dinner ’fore you know.

Not for you, for that is cruel

To starve guests when they show.

Oh, no, the beetle bugs

Land on leaves and eat.

Somebody catches them,

Squish them all I plead.

I’ve got beetles in the rosebush,

And more beetles buzz my ears.

Oh, good golly, if it’s buggy

It’s not Christmas I fear.

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