It scrapes the bottom of the demagogue barrel, somehow managing to invoke the dubious menace of Gays in the Military, the War on Christmas and the need for Faith to Rebuild This Great Nation — in just 31 seconds. The only way it might possibly be worse is if it referenced the brainwashing Muppets.
Like the Higgs Boson, Rick Perry’s latest ad must be seen to be believed. But I’m somewhat relieved that the Higgs Boson might exist. This ad fills me with despair, the kind of despair I get only when someone forces me to sing all 12 verses of “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” with hand gestures.
Even after you’ve seen it once, you think, “No. Surely this is a parody.”
Here’s the text:
“I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian,” the Texas governor says. “But you don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.
“As president, I’ll end Obama’s war on religion. And I’ll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage. Faith made America strong. It can make her strong again.”
First, those Muppets indoctrinate them. Then our kids get to school and the gay soldiers of Barack Obama prevent them from celebrating Christmas. It’s abominable.
Teachers are even telling them not to believe in Santa.
Anyone who wants to celebrate Christmas in Barack Obama’s repressive culture had better watch out and better not cry, because he is monitoring you. If someone sees children celebrating that Holiday That Shall Not Be Named, Barack Obama will come sap their initiative and force their families to become dependent on welfare!
At least, that is what Rick Perry implies.
Barack Obama hates Christmas, the whole Christmas season. He won’t let you sing any carols, except for the one that includes “gay apparel.”
Christmas break? Unheard of. Christmas pageants? Nowhere in sight. There is no White House Christmas Tree. There is the White House Generic Seasonal Pine.
At recess, a few daring believers sneak into the Christmas Closet, where they hang tinsel and sing “O Little Town of Bethlehem.” But if someone reports them to Barack Obama, he swoops down on their school and forces them to enjoy kale and write “Oil Tycoons Are Naughty Men” over and over on the board.
Not only that, but our kids can’t pray in schools! No wonder we’re doing so badly on standardized tests — unassisted by institutionalized prayer, what hope do we have? Other nations are vastly outpacing us in reading comprehension, critical thinking and the all-important category of Ability to Accept Jesus as Your Lord and Savior, second only to math skills in terms of what employers seek in recent graduates. This is not what the Founders had in mind when they explicitly wrote that thing in the Constitution about an establishment of religion. Something about making no law — it doesn’t matter.
“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof”?
See, that’s exactly the kind of obnoxious fact your kids pick up if they don’t spend enough time in the classroom praying.
Rick Perry understands what’s important. Learning the names of Cabinet departments or honing debating skills? Please. What is this, a state without an established Christian religion?
Faith has made America strong. It’s time to put it back where it belongs, in the classroom. Thanks to Barack Obama, children these days are lost and adrift, lacking any sense of what Christmas is or what schools are for: praying and celebrating Christmas.
But Rick Perry understands the importance of prayer.
I’d be more worried if I thought his campaign still had one.
Alexandra Petri is a member of The Washington Post’s editorial staff.