Don’t do this after age 50

Posted Oct. 05, 2011, at 5:53 a.m.
Last modified Oct. 05, 2011, at 9:51 a.m.

When 50′s in the rearview mirror, we have know-how (and know-not) in our hip pockets, and the time is right for a few adjustments.

Words to ax

Panties

Smashed, overserved or hammered.

Sick!

Whatever

I’m like … We mean I said or I say. So we should say it.

Totes. Unless you mean that clever little umbrella.

Hot. Except when referring to the weather or habaneros.

Kick it. Marginal even for those 50+ in a rock band still being paid … even at state fairs.

What not to wear

Miniskirts, minishorts, anything that’s s been deliberately diminished or ripped — unless it’s you or your muscles.

Purses with dogs on them. Purses with dogs in them.

Low-rise pants that showcase low-rise anatomy.

Super-tight skinny jeans, even if you are both.

T-shirts that say `Sexy Grandma, `Vote for Ozzy’ or `I Am the Man from Nantucket.’

Gold chains with your name on them. Gold chains. Chains.

Things never to do again

Drinking champagne from your son’s girlfriend’s shoe. Drinking champagne from your own shoe.

Jell-O shots

Karaoke after Jell-O shots.

Crowd surfing to the mosh pit.

Collecting owls made of shells, frogs made of ceramic or lawn gnomes made of anything.

People to no longer tolerate

Space invaders. Those who stand too close, consuming space, energy, oxygen and time.

Those who don’t know you when you’re down and out but just love you when you’re “back.”

People who learned all they ever needed to know in high school and are still living it.

Gossips

Arrogant doctors, educators, waiters, TV commentators, athletes, authors, legislators, coaches or anyone who lets a little influence go to their head.

Things to do at least once

Dance outside at night in a foreign land.

Create a boundary in life. Then take down a wall.

Write long handwritten letters to your grandchildren, even the ones who aren’t born yet.

Put your wedding photos in an album before your 25th anniversary. Finish the baby book before the kid’s 25th birthday.

Start telling the truth, every day.

Stand up for what you believe, and do so with dignity.

Be able to retire but say, the hell with it, I’m going strong.

Jacquelyn Mitchard is a columnist for the AARP Bulletin and the best-selling author of 21 books.

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