RENEE ORDWAY

I’m doomed, but in good company

Posted May 20, 2011, at 6:40 p.m.

I’m guessing that if 6 p.m. Saturday is really the end of the world, then I am most assuredly doomed.

And I guess from what I’m reading it is most certainly all my friend Lance’s fault – oh, and Jeff and Jay and Tanya and Jeanne and my brother-in-law David and my neighbor Roger and my friends Kevin and Bobby.

See, they’re all gay, and according to the doomsday prophet Harold Camping, the success of the gay rights movement, above all else, is a clear indicator that Armageddon will occur at 6 p.m.

So real quickly — in case you have had anything else in the world to do this week — let me fill you in. Camping is a radio evangelist and the head of Family Radio International, a nonprofit organization, which raised about $18 million last year and is worth about $72 million.

A while back he declared that the world would end in 1994, but when it didn’t he began to recalculate. Educated as a civil engineer, Camping devoted his analytical mind to the Bible and found hidden in there the formula that resulted in his prediction that the world would end Saturday.

This formula has something to do with April 1, 33 A.D., the day Christ hung on the cross, multiplied by 1,978 years and then 1,978 multiplied by the number of days in a solar year. The result is an algebraic equation of Atonement multiplied by completeness, multiplied by heaven, which apparently equals 722,550 to the second power or otherwise known as May 21, 2011. Oh and at 6 p.m.

Seriously, Glenn Beck could not have drawn a clearer diagram.

And if that’s not enough, there’s the whole gay rights thing taking place.

“No sign is as dramatic and clear as the phenomenal worldwide success of the Gay Pride movement,” Camping states on his website.

I’m thinking if God really does see and know all, he probably already has an inkling that I’m liking the gays, and I’m guessing that’s going to leave me amongst those “weeping and writhing” on the shattered floor of the Earth while all the gay haters are swept up into the arms of Jesus to live forever in the light of the Lord.

’Cause, see, it’s not bad enough that the Rapture is going to leave so many millions of us behind, but we will be left alive to suffer and live in our own filth for five months until Oct. 21, when Jesus comes back to finally put the hammer down.

Actually, according to Camping, the Apocalypse should have actually started by the time the newspapers are delivered Saturday morning.

According to his calculations, the horror should have begun at 11 p.m. EDT Friday, when the time hit 6 p.m. at the International Dateline at 180 degrees longitude.

The 89-year-old prophet said he would be spending his last hours with his family on the couch watching the Rapture unfold on TV.

Of course. I mean, we’re all watching the trial of Casey Anthony on TV this week, so why not Armageddon?

Me? I’m busy making lists of things that I have done that are good. Things that may offset the fact that I like gay people.

You know, just in case.

Here’s a few I’ve come up with:

I almost always return my shopping cart to the return slot in the grocery store parking lot.

I once intervened and saved three baby squirrels from sure death at the hands of some wicked hungry ravens.

I’ve never cheated on my husband.

I’ve raised good and decent teenagers, and that’s no easy task, I’m telling you right now.

My mother got her Mother’s Day card on time this year.

I foster momma cats and their baby kittens.

I like my mother-in-law and I am nice to her.

Once when I realized that a package of mushrooms got stuck beneath my purse in the grocery cart and I had not paid for them, I took them back.

That’s it so far, but I’m still thinking.

I’ve got a lot to make up for because I really like Lance and all the others a lot.

Oh, to heck with it. Let’s face it. I’m doomed, but at least I’m in good company.

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