A Christmas carol to span the seasons

Posted Dec. 24, 2010, at 5:13 p.m.

Welcome, dear readers-carolers, to the seventh round of holiday cheer, when I take annual liberties to abuse eardrums and good taste alike.

This year in my ode to gardening, I have tackled a beloved classic, one that you find yourself humming whether you like it or not. I believe this masterpiece speaks for itself: a call to arms, a cry for justice, a voice in the wilderness.

Which is probably what you will be if you decide to sing it out loud.

Set to the revered tune of “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” I give you “Rhododendron Flowered in October.”

Sing, my friends. Sing with glee.

Rhododendron flowered in October,

All the plants went on a growing spree.

You can say there ain’t no global warming,

But me and Mother Nature disagree.

I dug carrots in December,

Leafy tops glowed brightly green,

Yet all the worms were sporting mufflers

As I rooted round the cold and muddy scene.

There were buds on my strawberries,

And a reader wrote to say,

She had canes in her back forty,

Full of raspberries galore, and that’s no hay!

Rhododendron flowered in October,

All the plants went on a growing spree.

You can say there ain’t no global warming,

But me and Mother Nature disagree.

I spied pansies by the pole barn,

Sparkling purple in the sun.

They were dangling o’er the barrel

Until the last snowstorm came and they were done.

I exhale carbon dioxide,

Halt my breathing, I just can’t.

So I stop to mull and ponder,

Should we put away our hoes or plant more plants?

(Plant more plants!)

Rhododendron flowered in October,

All the plants went on a growing spree.

You can say there ain’t no global warming,

But me and Mother Nature disagree.

It’s so hot inside this greenhouse,

Watch the trees for flowing sap.

Yikes! A berg big as Rhode Island

Keeps bobbin’ around the sea from the ice caps.

Who needs snow on Christmas morning?

Raise our hands and buy some gas.

Heed Mother Nature’s final warning:

“You’d all better fix it soon and fix it fast.”

Rhododendron flowered in October,

All the plants went on a growing spree.

You can say there ain’t no global warming,

But me and Mother Nature disagree.

(Repeat, with vim)

Merry Christmas!

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