June 24, 2018
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The pursuit of marital happiness

By Pat LaMarche

I need some help. If you’re good at starting not-for-profit organizations Email me. Oh, and I need a website with a really big donation button. The button needs to take up a lot of space on the Web page — in fact, let’s have several donation buttons.

I’m starting two organizations. A 501(c)4 that can raise lots of money and spend that money on lobbying and political campaigns and on lawyers to defend me when I don’t want to disclose where I’m getting the money that comes into my agency. And I also want a 501(c)3 so that I can raise money to educate people to my way of thinking and not have to pay any taxes on the money I raise. That way, regardless of me teaching people to hate what I hate and like what I like, other taxpayers will pay the bills for me executing these rights in our country.

I’m calling my new not for profit the ASPCG. Of course it will have nothing to do with cruelty to animals. But I like the idea of co-opting the name of a legitimate organization, like the ASPCA, and making folks think that all its good reputation somehow has something to do with me. In reality, I’ll have nothing to do with the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals at all. I won’t even ask permission to piggy back my new agency on their good reputation. I’ll just do it.

E-mail me at my regular e-mail address until you or somebody else gets me an Email address at some site called ASPCG. And the sooner the better, I – and my agenda – need the cash.

You’ve probably figured out what ASPCG stands for but in case you can’t – and that confusion is all part of my plan as I take your money – it’s the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Gays. If you think that’s a bizarre departure from the original intention of ASPCA, I would have agreed with you until I learned of an organization launching its road trip from Augusta today. This group called NOM, the National Organization for Marriage, cares little or nothing for the welfare of women — it certainly doesn’t mention them on their website — and it modeled its anagram after NOW, the National Organization for Women.

In fact, go to NOM’s website and contrast it with NOW’s website. It could get your blood boiling, especially if you’re like me, a woman who has long revered NOW for the stand it takes on behalf of women.

NOM is a funny anagram for them to use. It should be NOPWAHMWUPAO or the National Organization for People Who Already Have Marriage and Want to Use their Prejudice Against Others. Oh, sure, shortening that makes sense, but not so much that it disingenuously looks like the champion of disadvantaged women because that’s just a lie by implication.

Let me explain. On NOW’s website there’s a page devoted to a wedding. It occurred at the recent NOW convention, which took place in Massachusetts where the law allows for marriage equality. Shirley and Joan got married there after 37 years of living in a committed relationship, in part because they had traveled to a state that allows gay marriage. Their wedding picture is right there and the women look so happy.

Then go to NOM’s website where you can read the biography of the organization’s president, Maggie Gallagher. It mentions her most recent book which is titled “The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially.” But her book’s not meant for people like Shirley and Joan. Gallagher and her organization work very hard to stop gay folks from having this same opportunity to be happier, healthier and better off financially.

Members of NOM – some of them are rallying today in Augusta – feel they have a right to decide who is healthy, happy and financially secure. But the pursuit of happiness is guaranteed by our Constitution, not some homophobic 501(c)4. I’m hopeful our courts will soon preserve the Constitution for everyone regardless of NOM’s actions.

By the way, I lied. I have no intention of co-opting a legitimate not-for-profit’s name to advance my own agenda. I leave that effort to hypocrites who lack decency.

Pat LaMarche of Yarmouth is the author of “Left Out In America: The State of Homelessness in the United States.” She may be reached at PatLaMarche@hotmail.com.

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