D’oh! Home with no bread inspires spending spree

Posted Aug. 28, 2009, at 6:17 p.m.

“Man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live.” — Deuteronomy 8:2-3 (KJV)

It is not often that I quote the Bible, despite David Grima’s best efforts. Grima wants to become a member of the clergy because he thinks, strangely, it will get him more dates.

I digress.

This all became terribly important last week when I awoke in Cobb Manor to unmitigated disaster. Man may not live by bread alone, but it is a major, major part of Cobb Manor fare, along with pasta.

There was no bread.

I don’t know about you, but my day starts with French roast coffee accompanied by the best bread (or English muffins) I can find. The Church of Cobb Manor holds that life is much too short to eat Wonder Bread. I was convinced that one luscious loaf was resting in the freezer.

There was no bread.

My energy level, always precarious, is at its nadir in the early morning. There was no chance of a store trip, even in this dire emergency. I would have to go through the morning without bread, English muffin, blueberry muffin, bagels or anything else.

Staying in my religious vein, I channeled Scarlett O’Hara and swore, “With God as my witness, I will never live in a house without bread again.”

Luckily, we had scheduled a rare road trip to Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom to see Jonny Lang (a Blue Eyes favorite) and the 80-year-old George Thorogood. On the return trip we stopped at every store that had lights on starting, natch, at the New Hampshire State Liquor Store.

Roaring to Portland we had to make all of the traditional stops since we now only make it to the big city twice a year. At the Christmas Tree Shop (don’t laugh), I loaded up on bags of bolo levedo, known to you as Portuguese muffins.

It was off to Sam’s Club for mass-quantity shopping. They offered ridiculously low prices on nine-packs of Thomas’ English muffins, normally much too expensive.

But my favorite place, coming from the culturally and gastronomically deprived area of Camden, is Whole Foods. They have the most amazing salad and food bars with such fantastic help including my beloved daughter, who gave me a store gift card for Father’s Day.

It also has my very favorite bread, rye with caraway seeds. I had three loaves of rye sliced, then two more of wheat bread. Just for luck, I grabbed a half-dozen onion bagels.

On the trip home, the car was filled with warring scents. As we motored home through Waldoboro, I ruled out at another stop at Borealis Bread, as good as it is. There was no room in the car. And I knew that there would be precious little room in the freezer, which was now holding my summertime hoard of fresh blueberries.

The Cobb Manor refrigerator is nothing to write home about and the freezer section is standing room only. Precious room is taken up by frozen fruit intended for the healthful smoothies that I never make. There is chicken in economy packs and a few frozen mugs for adult beverages. There is pasta galore in enormous packages from Sam’s.

The packages of Thomas’ English muffins were the largest so I left one out and jammed the other into the freezer. The Whole Foods loaves found their way into every nook and frozen cranny. The bolo levedo fit beside the (disconnected) ice maker. The bagels were left on the counter.

After some pushing, shoving and scrunching, the freezer closed and clicked. It may never open again, but I am now a rich and happy man, with plenty of bread, at least the edible kind.

Now all I have to worry about is running out of the vital half-and-half for the morning coffee. I wonder if you can freeze that?

Toast, anyone?

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.

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