When I become king, my first act will be to ban celebrity coverage, like “Entertainment Tonight” and the like. I don’t care if Britney is wearing underpants and I don’t want to see Brad and Angelina’s latest millionaire offspring – ever.
I am amazed and stunned that the paparazzi chase these people around all night and even more aghast that so many people want to see what the photogs got.
Coverage will continue of fat celebs, however, because it simply makes me feel good. Anyone fatter than I am may be a national disgrace but certainly serves to make me look good by comparison.
Let’s take Michael Moore, for example. He is one of my heroes simply because he tells the truth. Many people hate him for that. But fat Mike, 54, told bullz-eye.com, an online men’s magazine, that he knows a lot of guys fatter than he.
“Actually, when I go home to Michigan, I’m one of the skinny guys, ” Moore said. Weighing in at just over 300 pounds, Moore has reportedly made attempts to shed the pounds through lifting weights, eating smarter and getting more sleep. He has also been quoted as saying he’d like to get “down” to 225 pounds. He told New York Magazine that he didn’t want to lose too much weight. “Not at all. It actually works against me. See, as I’ve gained weight over the years, I’ve become more popular. You can really track the box office going up as I put on the pounds: ‘Roger & Me,’ $7 million. ‘Bowling for Columbine,’ $21 million, ‘Fahrenheit 9/11,’ $120 million.”
One of my all-time favorites is John Goodman, Rosie’s beleaguered TV husband. At 56, he is flirting with a number of major health risks, including diabetes, heart attack and stroke. The bullz-eye.com site reported that there is hope for the former “Roseanne” star, though. Goodman has reportedly cut back on his alcohol consumption and is working with a trainer to help get his weight under control. Goodman actually had to shed dozens of pounds to play famous fatboy Babe Ruth in 1992′s “The Babe.”
Another personal pet porker is Drew Carey, 50, who has said, “They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life. Oh well.” Carey recently had 45 pizzas shipped from his favorite pizza shop in Ohio to the set of his CBS game show, “The Price is Right,” in Los Angeles to celebrate the show’s season finale.
My kind of guy.
Unfortunately, his penchant for pizza and other fatty foods has contributed to heart problems in the past, Bullz-eye.com reported. In 2001, Carey experienced chest pains on the set of his hit series “The Drew Carey Show.” The comedian was rushed to the hospital where he underwent emergency angioplasty.
Now, that’s not funny.
But my very favorite fatso is James Gandolfini. (Don’t tell the star of “The Sopranos” I called him “fatso”). In the mob show, he ended up in bed with some fabulous babe every week although I noticed he never took his shirt off. Kind of like me at a swimming pool.
He said, “I should exercise, but I’m too old for that [expletive],” Gandolfini revealed in a 2006 edition of Esquire. “I lost 30 pounds to play my character in ‘The Mexican,’ but people don’t take to skinny Mafia men, and I don’t feel right when I’m thin,” he said.
You want to argue with Tony?
A 2002 divorce from public relations executive Marcella Wudarski stirred up allegations from Wudarski of drug and alcohol abuse by the “Sopranos” actor. Gandolfini has freely acknowledged having substance abuse problems but has long since pulled himself together through rehab.
I wonder if Wudarski was ever seen again.
When I am in charge, fatsos will rule the television and movie industry, from morning talk shows to late shows and blockbuster movies.
I will be considered a thin king.
Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at firstname.lastname@example.org.